Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
