the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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