On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
