She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
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the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
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I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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