You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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