FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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