Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
