Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
