Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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