My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize