I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
COCAINE IS GR8
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