Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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