Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
