No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
