No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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