A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
