yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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