Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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