Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My breasts were aching with rage.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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