My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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