I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
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she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
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I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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