i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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