i wish there were pregnant emoticons
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
