you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
