Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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