Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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