He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
