can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
