I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
