I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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