I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
We need to get me chipped asap
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
