I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
There's always time for handjobs
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
