She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
