the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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