just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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