Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
