I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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