I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
