I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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