I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
