You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I can't trust your balls anymore.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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