Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Semen is not good for contacts.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
