if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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