I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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