theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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