you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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