oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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