I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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