why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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