I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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