Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
