I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
