You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
