he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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