I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
