Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
