he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
