I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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