my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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