cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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