I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
